Last month, TFP Director Ray Levy wrote a blog post about dads at the dinner table for our partners at The Family Dinner Project.
“Where’s Dad?” I would ask night after night. “When will Dad be home?” “Is he coming home for dinner?”
Dinner. Many decades ago, family dinner was predictable and expected and there was no soccer practice that interfered. Maybe my going downstairs in front of my apartment building and throwing a ball against the wall would bring him home. It didn’t. Why was it so important to me?
I believe there is something basic about a boy (or a girl, but I am talking about myself here) wanting his father. Kyle Pruett calls it Fatherneed, Jim Herzog Father Hunger. A boy needs a father to feel whole and sometimes to feel secure in his emerging masculinity.
What kind of man am I or should I be? How do men talk to their partners? I need an authoritative parent (yes, of course that could also be a mother) who is like me. Does my father want to know me? And if he isn’t here for family dinner, does that mean he doesn’t want to know me? Is it because of me?
In a more specific sense, one of the times I missed my father was at the dinner table. All the TV dads were present at mealtime. Why wasn’t mine? I wanted to hear his voice and be able to tell him about my day, myself. Dad being at the dinner table sends the message that he involved, that he wants to know me. And we know from research that children have better social, emotional and behavioral outcomes when fathers are emotionally engaged. It isn’t about quality time as much as it is about routine family time when fathers can get to know their children and children can learn about their father. The predictability of knowing that Dad will be there at the dinner table matters.
Mealtime should be a fun time for a family, bringing everyone closer. Dads can help with family fun and model healthy eating, especially important now that the U.S. is facing an epidemic of childhood obesity. Children need to see how parents eat and regulate consumption to develop their own lifelong healthy eating habits. Most importantly, Dad can just be there — regularly, predictably, positively, for whatever is happening in those family moments around the table.
For fathers who are uncertain how to take a positive role at the family dinner table, here are some ideas:
1. Talk about activities your children are involved in, or projects they are doing. A show of interest can sometimes lead to kids talking about their likes and dislikes, interests and other kids they interact with. If it’s hard to get them to open up, try some of these tips on avoiding one-word answers.
2. Each family member can talk about their day and how specific experiences made them feel. This allows them to know and be known by each other. An easy and fun way to get things rolling is to play a game like Two Truths and a Tall Tale.
3. If you can’t be there for family dinners because of work or other commitments, make up for it at other times such as weekend meals or family breakfast. Make sure to tell your kids what interfered with your being home for dinner. Read more about the art of dinner compromise in The Middle Ground of Family Dinner.
4. Mom and Dad should have some agreement about dinner and food rules. Take a unified approach to avoid anger and confusion and ensure that dinnertime is fun and positive for all. You can find expert advice on a range of dinnertime issues in Dr. Anne Fishel’s Food for Thought blogs.
I eventually understood that my father’s work was interfering with his being home for dinner. But fathers, keep in mind that you are critically important to your children, that they long to see and touch you, that they long to know you and be known by you. The dinner table offers this opportunity. Remember: the most important aspect of being present is that it shows you care.
“Remember: the most important aspect of being present is that it shows you care.”
http://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/family-blog/fatherneed-at-dinner-and-beyond/