While administering the TFP survey of fathers in prenatal care last year, we met Jean, a new father of twins. You may remember him too:
Jean had started filling out our survey, but had to stop abruptly when he and his wife were rushed off to labor and delivery. Three days later, his wife shuffling along behind him, he returned carrying his newborn twin sons, and enthusiastically asked if he could complete the survey. We decided to catch up with Jean one year later to hear his thoughts on the first year of fatherhood. His answers to our questions touch on many important subjects: men’s changing roles in families, the challenge of staying on track as the parent you want to be, and the need to connect with other like-minded fathers.
What is your role within your family, and what do you think of it?
I am a stay at home father of one-year old twin boys. This means that I take care of all of the day-to-day care of the kids and the house. Doctor’s appointments, playground runs, trips to the zoo, making meals for the kids, all of that falls under my purview. I also handle much of the day-to-day management of the house – paying bills, cooking many of the meals, (trying to do) laundry.
Overall, being home with the children is not what I thought it would be, both in good ways and bad. It’s amazing to be the one home with them, knowing that I know them better than anyone else on the planet. I get all of the little moments – the first steps, the first taste of every new food. I’m there for all of them. And there’s no better feeling than when they turn to me for comfort. On the flip side, it’s amazing how frustrating little things can be when every day is the same. And there’s certainly the stereotypical missing of intelligent, adult conversation. All in all though, I would say that our decision for me to stay home instead of working is a net positive, for me, for my wife, and for the children.
Have you found any conflict between your idea and your community’s idea about the expected role for men in the family vs. the role you play in your family?
Absolutely. More than once, I’ve found myself worrying that simply taking care of the children is not making enough of a contribution to the household. I’m a man – I should be out there supporting my family. Intellectually, of course, that is nonsense. Caring for the children is as important a job as you can have. But I find it hard to talk to my male family and friends about my day-to-day. They have all these stories about what they’re doing at work – I have stories about cleaning poop out of a bathtub. And part of me is embarrassed that the only thing that I have to talk about is “women’s work.” To be clear, I don’t actually believe that, and none of them have said or done anything to make me feel that discomfort. In fact, many of them have expressed admiration or jealousy for my situation. But still, the uncomfortable feeling is there.
Out in the community, there’s definitely a moment of surprise when I show up carrying a pair of kids. Especially, as is typically the case, when I am the only man in the room. I often get the sense that many of the moms don’t know how to approach me, anymore than I know how to approach them.
More than once, I’ve found myself worrying that simply taking care of the children is not making enough of a contribution to the household. I’m a man – I should be out there supporting my family.
What has been your best moment as a father so far?
I don’t think that there’s been one best moment. I enjoy the quiet moments that I occasionally get with one of the boys. It’s nice to get one-on-one playtime or snuggle time.
I’m also a big fan of pre-bedtime storytime. They love when I do different voices for different characters – it’s fun when they look up at me to make sure that I’m still the one reading the story.
What has been the best part of co-parenting with your wife?
Again, I think it’s the quiet moments, just the four of us. One evening, we were playing in their room, and Amie and I started tossing a ball back and forth. The kids were entranced, just watching and laughing. And then all of a sudden, they started wanting to play catch too for the first time. It was one of those moments when you really realize just how much of an influence you have on your children.
What has been the most challenging part of fatherhood?
The biggest challenge that I face is finding a way to stay patient. I’m a loud, big gestured person. I’ve definitely had to tone down some aspects of my personality – it feels so natural to be a yeller of a parent, but that’s not the kind of parent I want to be. So reaching for quiet patience has been the most challenging (and occasionally failed at) part of fatherhood.
Reaching for quiet patience has been the most challenging (and occasionally failed at) part of fatherhood.
What has been the most unexpected part of fatherhood?
I think the most unexpected part is how quickly the ability to just do it comes. Parenting is terrifying, it’s confusing – I’m frequently in over my head, have no idea which of the million options I should take, and constantly second guess my own ability as a father. But somehow, through all the self-doubt, I need to take care of the children. So you just do things. Kid is crying? Pick him up. Check his diaper. Give him food. Give him a new toy. Show him the tree out front again. Almost on autopilot, your body just reacts, and you do things, and everything turns out OK.
What resources or support do you wish had been available to you during the pregnancy? During this first year?
I wish that there were more dedicated groups of stay at home dads. There are lots of Mom groups, and lots of parent groups (still mostly moms), but very, very few groups just for Dads. The moms in my community have been very welcoming to me, particularly as I become more and more of a presence, but it would be great to have another guy to talk to about stereotypical guy stuff and dad stuff. And someone to do things without the kids – I don’t really want to join the Moms at the paint nights or wine and cheese nights or spa days. I want to go eat wings, drink beer, and watch the weekend’s UFC.
There are lots of Mom groups, and lots of parent groups (still mostly moms), but very, very few groups just for Dads.
Photo Credit: Leslie Boudreau Photography
Can you relate to Jean’s experiences in the first year of parenthood? How would you answer the questions above? Share your thoughts below!